End of Days, finally

Big news: the World is going to end on Saturday. Phew. Now I won’t have to make that tax payment next Wednesday. No more standing in long lines waiting for stupid people to go slowly. I’ll never have to clean the cats’ litter box or take out the garbage again. Damn right it’s coming to an end. I know. Just look at the Harold Camping, the great man who figured it all out:

If I know one thing, it’s this – this is the look of wisdom. To look at him is to look directly into the eyes of truth and knowledge. Naturally, I assume by now you believe him, too. Too boot, he also knows the exact time its all going down. 6:00pm Eastern time. Plan accordingly to your time zone. I just hope he can stay awake to catch it.

Here’s a quick run down of the FACTS:
- At 6:00pm eastern time, 7:30 in Newfoundland, a big, beastly earthquake, like none-ever, ever, will strike
- Said giant earthquake will be so powerful that it will open up ALL graves. Not to mention all the fine china it destroy.
- Simultaneously, the remains of the believers, which can’t be much what with how long some of those believers will have been dead for, will rise and become “glorified spiritual bodies”, at one with God”. The bodies of the non-believers, which will also rise, will litter the streets, to be shamed and left for cleaning crews, thus creating thousands of jobs and ending the economic downturn.
- However, the survivors of the Beast Quake will live in a world of indescribable horror and chaos, highlighted by the release of Transformers 3 and reruns.
- Oddly enough, earth goes on, for a beautiful summer, where people will die daily. It doesn’t mention it, but I assume they will die at a higher rate than normal. Those who don’t die in the hellish aftermath will die inside from seeing the massive numbers Transformers 3 pulls in.
- Lastly, on October 21st, God will destroy the earth for good. Why does The Lord wait so many days after May 21st? God is the ultimate showman. What’s more rock and roll than waiting 153 days to lay down some Armageddon. I guess going on 45 minutes late at the show in Salt Spring Island last week doesn’t seem so bad-ass anymore. Unfortunately, I will have to make that tax payment next Wednesday, but not many more.
- Earth RIP.

What a man! You can’t make stuff up like this if you tried. Well, you can, actually. You could be psychotic. You see, Mr Camping has been “a tireless student of the bible for over 5 decades”. He’s spent his life looking for a code in the bible to find the End Days. Sounds like “A Beautiful Mind” a bit, doesn’t it? Except, at least in that movie, Russell Crowe used multiple sources to appease his madness. Harold Camping has read that damn book so many times he’s lost his mind. He’s Don Quixote without the armour. Sadly, he has many Sancho’s and countless asses.

I don’t believe in this crap. However, I do hope this is The End of some sort of Days.The end of days where people are willing to believe this garbage. Do the World a favour. On May 21, at 5:59 Eastern time, and then again at 6:01, laugh at this man, and everyone you know who was scared about this. And laugh at all other kind of religious fervour from here on in. Laugh and point your finger! With your help, it really could be The End of the World – the world in which we allow religious fanatics to have a legitimate voice that speaks louder than the measured voice of reason. And the world in which we might make Transformers 4.

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The dates are current, I swear

Welcome, or welcome back. I’m sure you want to read something funny now. It would make sense, I’m a comic, this is my website, a site likely didn’t find from Googling ‘mortgage tips’. It makes good sense.
And you’re here, at my website. How kind of you. Of all the sites on the Internet, with all the legal and illegal gambling you could be doing, all the porn, ebay, music, tv, film and all the shared human knowledge available, you’re here. Thank you.
But dammit, come see me live. All the dates are up-to-date on this site, even if blog is as stale as the potato chips I ate the last two nights. Advice – don’t eat old potato chips two nights in a row. You’ll seriously feel not very good at all. I don’t recommend it. Yogurt helps.
Anyways, if it’s your first visit, more everything you need to know about me is here. Check it out. If you’re a return visitor, feel free to post something if you want to see something new, quicker.
Much love,
Brett

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